Really, CNN?

You want to know what’s going on. You want some news. You turn on your television and flip through the channels. MSNBC’s too liberal. Fox News is too conservative. Maybe CNN will have some unbiased content?

So you go there.

A woman’s face flares over your television screen. Her face is pug-like. Her hair teased and moussed into a shiny helmet. You suspect it far outsizes her brain. The woman’s voice blasts through your television’s speakers.

“Breaking news here at CNN. I’ve just gotten word that a verdict has been reached in the Morris County Killer trial.” She’s smiling.

“Yes, folks. You’ll remember the Morris County Killer. A series of unsolved murders in northern New Jersey left the community horrified.” She’s smiling.

“There were, how many was it? 19 y-yeah, I’m getting word from our crack research staff that it was 19 victims, but there were 10 methods of killing. What were they?”

She banters back and forth with the producer chattering into her ear. It sounds like a few friends at a bar recounting last night’s pickup basketball game over a few Blue Moons.

“ – strangling, and one of them was drowned weren’t they? Anyway, we have Terry stationed at the courtroom. What’s going on Terry?”

A new face pops onto your screen. A blond man, pale and gaunt, pants open-mouthed on your television screen. He stands in from of a set of concrete stairs.

“Yeah Marge. An emotionally charged day in the courtroom as Tom Howard, a  prominent member of Chester Township, was pronounced guilty by jury today. I’ve never seen anything like this, the man collapsed against his attorney after realizing that his life might have just been ruined by the felony charge.”

A courtroom sketch of a chubby man, wearing thick glasses and a bushy mustache, passes over the screen.

“And Marge, I had a large parabolic microphone with me that allowed me to capture a few of the private moments between Howard and his close associates. Just after the judge read the jury’s verdict, Howard – a prominent member of the First Methodist Church in Chester – whispered into his attorney’s ear ‘But what will happen to me now?’ It was a truly heartbreaking and dramatic moment. It was an incredible experience to have, Marge.”

Terry’s and Marge’s faces pop up in a dueling split-screen. Marge starts barking.

“That really is something truly tragic, tragic to hear, Terry. That must have been some kind of experience, some kind of very emotional experience.”

“Yes Marge, but the tension reached a new level when, as the bailiff led a handcuffed Tom Howard back to his cell, the former Lead Salesman at Dower & Co. Insurance Company was approached by his long estranged daughter. I, once again, was able to capture the intimate moment with my parabolic.”

A young girl’s voice can be barely heard. Then a man starts speaking.

“I’m very sorry, honey. I’m very sorry that this has happened. I didn’t want this to have happened.”

Terry smiles.

“It’s exactly as you said Marge, just tragic, tragic to see that happen to a family man, a man with a steady career and a long, comfortable life ahead of him. What a terrible day for him, his family and…”

Terry scowls as his voice trails off.

“Are you ok Terry? Has something happened?” Marge waves her hands to someone behind the camera. “Can someone check the feed? Check the feed!”

“No, everything is alright Marge. It’s just that I felt like I was forgetting something. Anyway, what a terrible story, a terrible day for Tom Howard.”

“Well Terry, it must have been pretty emotional for you. I’m sure all of the great and patriotic and peace-loving and not at all bloodthirsty or controversy-hungry Americans would agree with you.” Marge turns towards the camera and shows off her American flag lapel pin. “Anything else to report on, Terry?”

“The courthouse popcorn was a little stale.”

“Great to hear from you. Up next, we will have legal expert Kim Paulus to tell us about the legal ramifications of Tom Howard’s sentencing. Will the former Boy Scout Scoutmaster receive the death penalty?”

Obnoxious trumpets cut Marge off as the network cuts to commercial. A sweeping camera shot gives a bird’s eye view of the studio. On Marge’s desk you see a single piece of paper; written on it is a single sentence.

Milk it for the RATINGS.