Desire

Sometimes I’m enveloped in a cloud. And it isn’t one of those big, white, fluffy ones either. I wasn’t walking around in a big cloudy cushion. I'm in one of those menacing gray clouds. It’s got thunderclaps and lightning bolts and scary, angry things.

And it’s rather depressing, perhaps because it’s literally depression. Inside the cloud, everything – everything – feels muted and dull. My dreams, my wants, the taste of food, the smell of fresh air – everything is blunt. It’s like someone’s sanded down all the exciting edges of my life.

And whenever I'm in this cloud, as I was last week, I can’t find a way to get out. I can read a book or listen to a beautiful song or look at a pretty picture, but it will all take place inside of the cloud. Those things will go away, no sunbeams will break through my fog and I’ll be left alone in the greyness.

It’s weird what won’t get me out from under the cloud. And it’s weird what will.

Then I looked at a person. She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. That’s it really. For literally less than five seconds I saw the silhouette of woman and I felt like running and jumping and punching through walls.

Literally five seconds, or even less than that, got me into the sun. A single, flickering glimpse at the beauty that is another human being got me energized, got me wanting and got me excited in a way that nothing in the past week had. And I could barely believe it. I was so suddenly alive after spending so many days in this unconscious haze that I couldn’t believe it.